You're planning to visit the greatest of the Scandinavian countries.
Yes, admit it, you've always wanted to go to Denmark much more than Sweden because the Danes invented the atomic bomb and hygge. You tell yourself, "Why would I want to go to the French Alps when I can go rock climbing on Falster? I'm trendy, I want to ride my bike with the xenophobic Danes because they're the happiest people in the world."
Actually, that's not true anymore. Finland beat us in 2022, but unlike them the Danes always make the news for positive reasons, like killing healthy minks, or harassing refugees at the border.
So, come and visit us, will you? And please bring your credit cards because God knows you're going to need them!
GUIDE TO DENMARK
A superficial introduction to our Scandinavian Paradise.
Name in Danish: Danmark
Inhabitants: 5.7 million
Size: The 8th biggest country in the world if you count Greenland. (Always count Greenland)
Capital: Copenhagen, Copenaghen, Kopenhagen, Copenhague, København (1.5 million)
Ranking: Most Livable City in the World (Monocle, British Magazine, 2008, 2013, 2014)
Other Top Rankings That We Take Pride In:
a) Most Trusting People.
b) Average Consumption of Beer (Fourth highest in the world.)
c) Crime per Capita: Fourth lowest in the world
d) Best Government in the World (2014)
e) Second Best Country for Women (beating Saudi Arabia)
f) Second Best Country for Singles Traveling Alone
g) Lonely Planet's Top Destination in 2019, Copenhagen.
h) Least Corrupt Country in the World (We bribed us to that)
i) Best Neighborhood in the World: Norrebro, Copenhagen (Time Out, 2021)
Language: Guttural.
Government: Constitutional monarchy.
Currency: Kroner. (6.50 DKK to a US dollar, 0.04 to the Angolan Kwanza)
Religion: No, thank you.
Name of Queen: Margrethe II.
Name of Prime Minister: Mette Frederiksen.
Famous Living Danes: Mads Mikkelsen, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (actors), Christian Eriksen (soccer player with a heartbeat), Mette Frederiksen (mink lover), Mø, Benjamin Lasnier (social media monster), Mary (Crown Princess of Tasmania), Crown Prince Frederik (who wasn't born in Tasmania), Lars Mikkelsen, (actor), Lars von Trier (enfant terrible), Lars Ulrich (founder of Metallica), Viktor Axelsen (world's best badminton player), Helena Christensen (ex-model), Jussi Adler-Olsen (the Danish Stieg Larsson, just alive), Kasper Schmeichel, Peter Schmeichel, Michael Laudrup (soccer players), René Redzepi, Claus Meyer (chefs), Bjarke Ingels (architect), Brigitte Nielsen (tall tabloid fodder who gave birth to her grandchild at 54 and probably will give birth to her great grandchild at 68), Caroline Wozniacki (ex-tennis player), Lukas Graham, Michael Learns to Rock (singers), Martin Jensen (DJ, producer), Margrethe Vestager (friend of Google and Facebook)
Language: Guttural.
Government: Constitutional monarchy.
Currency: Kroner. (6.50 DKK to a US dollar, 0.04 to the Angolan Kwanza)
Religion: No, thank you.
Name of Queen: Margrethe II.
Name of Prime Minister: Mette Frederiksen.
Famous Living Danes: Mads Mikkelsen, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (actors), Christian Eriksen (soccer player with a heartbeat), Mette Frederiksen (mink lover), Mø, Benjamin Lasnier (social media monster), Mary (Crown Princess of Tasmania), Crown Prince Frederik (who wasn't born in Tasmania), Lars Mikkelsen, (actor), Lars von Trier (enfant terrible), Lars Ulrich (founder of Metallica), Viktor Axelsen (world's best badminton player), Helena Christensen (ex-model), Jussi Adler-Olsen (the Danish Stieg Larsson, just alive), Kasper Schmeichel, Peter Schmeichel, Michael Laudrup (soccer players), René Redzepi, Claus Meyer (chefs), Bjarke Ingels (architect), Brigitte Nielsen (tall tabloid fodder who gave birth to her grandchild at 54 and probably will give birth to her great grandchild at 68), Caroline Wozniacki (ex-tennis player), Lukas Graham, Michael Learns to Rock (singers), Martin Jensen (DJ, producer), Margrethe Vestager (friend of Google and Facebook)
Famous Half Danes: Viggo Mortensen, Scarlett Johansson, Tordenskjold
Famous Dead Danes You Should Mourn Now:
Hans Christian Andersen (author), Søren Kierkegaard (philosopher), King Canute
(conquered England), Tycho Brahe (conquered the universe), Isak Dinesen
(conquered Africa), Karen Blixen (conquered Meryl Streep), Vitus Bering
(explorer who had a strait named after him), Niels Bohr (physicist), Georg Jensen (design), Carl Nielsen
(composer), Carl Dreyer (film director), Victor Borge (comedian),
Bertel Thorvaldsen (sculptor), Hamlet (Shakespeare's boy toy)
Danish Anti Heroes: Struensee and Raheem Sterling.
Biggest Selling Pop Song of All Time: 7 Years by Lukas Graham (Grammy nominated for Record and Song of the Year in 2017 but beaten by an unknown singer from Tottenham named Adele)
Danish Imperialism: Lego, Maersk, Ecco, Vesta, Bang and Olufsen, Carlsberg, Tuborg, Flying Tiger.
Best Danish Word We Like to Shove Down Your Throat: Hygge. (Hygge almost always involves good food, akvavit, and lighting candles, even though nobody has died. Please don't embarrass yourself by trying to pronounce the word. We don't want to laugh at you)
Best Danish Word You Shouldn't Teach Your Children: Listepik
Most Important Phrase: Tak for sidst
Worst Sin You Can Commit in Denmark: Not saying tak for sidst
What Does 'Tak for Sidst' Mean? You wouldn't understand, anyway
Denmark's Claim to Fame in the Far East: Badminton
Denmark's Claim to Fame in the Middle East: Vintage cartoons from 2005
Denmark's Claim to Fame in the UK: Bacon and bikes
Second Most Important Invention of All Time: Lego
Third Most Important Invention That Actually Wasn't Invented in Denmark But We Don't Mind Taking Credit for It Anyway: Danish pastry (Thanks, Vienna)
Best Tourist Attraction If You're into Knights in Shining Armor: Frederiksborg castle (Hillerød)
Best Tourist Attraction If You're Eight Years Old: Legoland.
Best Tourist Attraction If You're Eighty Years Old: Tivoli.
Most Overrated Tourist Attraction: The Little Mermaid.
Time of Glory I: When the Danish Vikings conquered England in the 11th century
Time Of Glory II: When Denmark won the European Championship in football (soccer) in 1992 beating the Germans 2-0 in the final, and the whole country behaved like a frat party
Most Awesome Cities in Denmark Apart from Copenhagen: Helsingør (Elsinore), Ærøskøbing, Faaborg, Ebeltoft, Ribe, Silkeborg, Skagen, Svaneke, Svendborg, Gudhjem, Aarhus, and Christiania (if you still think that Che Guevara and bean bag chairs are cool)
Best Time to Visit the Land of the Danes: From late May to early September
Best Month to Commit Suicide Because It's Dark, Dreary, and Everybody Wish They Were in Thailand: January
Most Patriotic Sacrifice for the Motherland to Make Sure Our Superior Gene Pool Survives: Do It for Denmark
Best Danish Traits: Tolerance, sense of humor, informality
Worst Danish Traits: Intolerance, sarcasm, xenophobia, also known as hyggeracisme (don't look it up, please)
What You'll Miss the Most If You're an American Visiting Denmark: TV anchors with perfect teeth
What You'll Miss the Most If You're Norwegian: Norway
Most Stupid Thing to Say to a Dane: Now, which part of Germany are you from again?
Second Most Stupid Thing to Say to a Dane: Sweden is my favorite Scandinavian country
We can't wait to welcome you to the oldest kingdom in the world, people!
All pictures are mine.
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Bwahahahaha....
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