Denmark for Dummies 2024: A Superficial Introduction to the Greatest Nation in the Universe (Except for Legoland Perhaps)

 You're smart.

You're planning to visit the only Scandinavian country that matters.

Yes, admit it, you've always wanted to go to Denmark much more than Sweden because the Danes invented the atomic bomb and hygge. You tell yourself, "Why would I want to go to the Italian Alps when I can go rock climbing on Lolland? I'm trendy, I want to ride my bike with the xenophobic Danes because they're the happiest people in the world." 

Actually, that's not true anymore. The suicidal Finns have repeatedly beaten us the last few years, but unlike them the Danes always make the news for positive reasons, like killing healthy minks, or harassing refugees at the border.

So, come and visit us, will you? And please bring your credit cards because God knows you're going to need them!

                    GUIDE TO DENMARK
                                 

Name in Danish: Danmark

Inhabitants: 5.8 million

Size: The 8th biggest country in the world if you count Greenland. (Always count Greenland)

Capital: Copenhagen, Copenaghen, Kopenhagen, Copenhague, København (1.5 million)

Ranking: Most Livable City in the World (Monocle, British Magazine, 2008, 2013, 2014)

Other Top Rankings That We Take Pride In:
a) Most Trusting People
b) Average Consumption of Beer (Fourth highest in the world)
c) Crime per Capita: Fourth lowest in the world
d) Best Government in the World (2014)
e) Second Best Country for Women (beating Saudi Arabia?)
f) Second Best Country for Singles Traveling Alone with a Danish Flag on Their Rucksack
g) Lonely Planet's Top Destination in 2019, Copenhagen.
h) Least Corrupt Country in the World (We bribed us to that)

i)  Best Neighborhood in the World: Norrebro, Copenhagen (Time Out, 2021) 
j)  Second Most Livable City in the World, 2023: Copenhagen
k) Third Best Government in the World, 2022 Unless You're a Mink

Language: Guttural.

Government: Constitutional monarchy.

Currency: Kroner. (6.70 DKK to a US dollar, 0.04 to the Angolan Kwanza)

Religion: No, thank you.

Name of Our New King Who Got Popular When He Married a Girl from Tasmania He Met When He Was Drunk in an Australian Pub: Frederik X (2024-?)

Name of Prime Minister: Mette Frederiksen

Famous Living Danes You Should Know If You Want Us to Respect You: Mads Mikkelsen, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (actors), Christian Eriksen (soccer player with a heartbeat), Lars von Trier (enfant terrible), Lars Ulrich (founder of Metallica), Viktor Axelsen (world's best badminton player), Helena Christensen (ex-model), Peter Schmeichel and Michael Laudrup (soccer players back when we were worth watching), Caroline Wozniacki (ex-tennis player), Lukas Graham (singer), and Margrethe Vestager (best friends of Google and Facebook)  

Famous Half Danes That We Damn Well Refuse to Call American: Viggo Mortensen, Scarlett Johansson

Famous Dead Danes You Should Mourn Now: Hans Christian Andersen (author), Søren Kierkegaard (philosopher), King Canute (conquered England), Tycho Brahe (conquered the universe), Isak Dinesen (conquered Africa), Karen Blixen (conquered Meryl Streep), Vitus Bering (explorer who had a strait named after him), Niels Bohr (physicist), Hamlet (Shakespeare's boy toy)

Danish Anti Heroes: Struensee and Raheem Sterling who flobbed during extra time and won England a ridiculous penalty in the semifinal against us in the European Championship in football in 2021.

Biggest Selling Pop Song of All Time:  7 Years by Lukas Graham (Grammy nominated for Record and Song of the Year in 2017 but beaten by a slightly unknown singer named Adele)

Danish Imperialism: Lego, Maersk, Ecco, Vesta, Bang and Olufsen, Carlsberg, Tuborg, 

Best Danish Word We Like to Shove Down Your Throat: Hygge. (Please don't embarrass yourself by trying to pronounce the word. We don't want to laugh at you)

Best Danish Word You Shouldn't Teach Your Children:  Listepik

Most Important Nicety You Need to Say Unless You Want to be Considered Rude or Russian: Tak for sidst

What Does 'Tak for Sidst' Mean? You wouldn't understand, anyway.

Denmark's Claim to Fame in the Far East: Badminton

Denmark's Claim to Fame in the Middle East: Vintage cartoons from 2005 that didn't go down very well.

Denmark's Claim to Fame in the UK: Bacon and bikes.

Most Important Danish Invention of All Time: The atomic bomb (Niels Bohr with a tiny bit of help from Oppenheimer)

Second Most Important Invention of All Time:  Lego

Third Most Important Invention That Actually Wasn't Invented in Denmark But We Don't Mind Taking Credit for It Anyway: Danish pastry (Thanks, Vienna)

Best Tourist Attraction If You're into Knights in Shining Armor: Frederiksborg castle (Hillerød) 

Best Tourist Attraction If You're Eight Years Old: Legoland

Best Tourist Attraction If You're Eighty Years Old: Tivoli

Most Overrated Tourist Attraction: The Little Mermaid

  
Time of Glory I: When the Danish Vikings conquered England in the 11th century.

Time Of Glory II: When Denmark won the European Championship in football in 1992 beating the Germans 2-0 in the final, and the whole country behaved like a frat party.

Most Awesome Cities in Denmark Apart from Copenhagen: Helsingør (Elsinore), Ærøskøbing, Faaborg, Ebeltoft, Ribe, Silkeborg, Skagen, Svaneke, Svendborg, Gudhjem, and Christiania (if you still think bean bag chairs are cool)

Best Time to Visit the Land of the Danes: From late May to early September.

Best Month to Commit Suicide Because It's Dark, Dreary, and Everybody Wish They Were in Thailand: January

Most Patriotic Sacrifice for the Motherland to Make Sure Our Superior Gene Pool Survives:  Do It for Denmark

 

Best Danish Traits: Tolerance, sense of humor, informality

Worst Danish Traits: Intolerance, sarcasm, xenophobia, also known as hyggeracisme (don't look that  up, please)

What You'll Miss If You're an American Visiting Denmark: TV anchors with perfect teeth

What You'll Miss the Most If You're Norwegian: Norway

Most Stupid Thing Ever to Say to a Dane: Now, which part of Germany are you from again?

Second Most Stupid Thing Ever to Say to a Dane: Sweden is my favorite Scandinavian country.

 

We can't wait to welcome you to the Land of the Danes. But please don't cut off the head of the Little Mermaid. That's getting so old!

....

Winner of www.Denmark.net's International Contest, 2009. Copyright, Peter H. Fogtdal, Danish Accent, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2016, 2018, and onwards until I get tired of it.

All pictures are taken by me. You're welcome to share but please credit me if you quote anything from here.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::