I'm in love.
Please don't tell my girlfriend. She'll be devastated when she finds out, but I can't keep it to myself any longer: I'm madly in love with Judge Judy, and I want to be the stepfather of her kids.
For those of you who aren't blessed with American TV, Judge Judy is a real judge who has a reality show on CBS where she settles cases in a small claims court. And she does so with gusto, wit, and the kind of sadism that works like a charm on TV.
By the way, Judge Judy is not a babe. She's not exactly the kind of lady you'd put in your locker and wank off to. She's more like your Latin teacher from Hell. But make no mistake, Judy Sheindlin is God's gift to American reality shows. She is tough, funny, and fair. She'll abuse you whether you're innocent, retarded or Norwegian. Her intuition is uncanny - Judge Judy knows you're a loser, even before your step into her court. And she's happy to humiliate you in front of ten million viewers.
I absolutely love the show. There's nothing like watching common people being torn to pieces. Judge Judy is court porn at its best; she has turned condescension into an art form. Judy Sheindlin passes judgment on everybody - just like God. The only difference is that she looks better in a black robe.
What I admire most is how Judge Judy rules the court with an iron fist. She's happy to tell people that they're bums, free loaders, and sociopaths with dandruff. And she has every right to because her ratings are high!
A clairvoyant friend told me that during Judy's last incarnation she worked in a concentration camp for the SS - and now she has come back to finish the job. But I don't believe that's true. Judy is a wonderful mother, a stout Republican, and a gracious tipper. Her values are all-American. I bet she believes in God as long as He shuts up when she speaks.
However, I got a shock the other day when I read that Judge Judy is dating Simon Cowell. The two of them have been shagging up in a Motel 6 in Pomona. At first, I refused to believe it, but then again if it's in The National Enquirer, it has to be true.
And why not - why shouldn't Simon and Judy bond? Both are huge celebrities. Both are known as caring, compassionate human beings who are great judges of character. "That was bloody awful," Simon Cowell will tell any 13 year old contestant on American Idol. "I eat losers like you for breakfast," Judge Judy will sneer at the plaintiffs in her court. They're a match made in Heaven!
However, I am disappointed because Judy, baby, you belong to me.
I might not be as rich as Simon Cowell, but you'd be much better off with this Danish novelist than with a pumped up Brit with tacky t-shirts. If we dated, we could abuse each other in public. I swear, Judy, I could put you in your place, just like your father did when you got your first period. And hey, I'd be happy to raise our kids, so they would become as judgmental as us.
But I guess it's not to be. My therapist says I should accept the fact and that I'll get over it. One day. Years from now.
So thanks, everybody for reading this. It was nice to get off my chest, but now I have to jet. You see, I'm watching a re-run of Judge Judy from 2001 - the one where two choir boys are suing a priest for spanking them with his Bible.
I bet Judge Judy is going to have a field day with that one!