Read The Tsar's Dwarf (Hawthorne Books)

Read The Tsar's Dwarf (Hawthorne Books)
"A curious and wonderful work of great human value by a Danish master." Sebastian Barry, Man Booker finalist (Click on the picture to go to the book's Amazon page)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

God, I'm So in Love with Judge Judy. She's my Favorite Nazi.

I'm in love.

Please don't tell my girlfriend. She'll be devastated when she finds out, but I can't keep it to myself any longer: I'm madly in love with Judge Judy, and I want to be the stepfather of her kids.

For those of you who aren't blessed with American TV, Judge Judy is a real judge who has a reality show on CBS where she settles cases in a small claims court. And she does so with gusto, wit, and the kind of sadism that works like a charm on TV.

By the way, Judge Judy is not a babe. She's not exactly the kind of lady you'd put in your locker and wank off to. She's more like your Latin teacher from Hell. But make no mistake, Judy Sheindlin is God's gift to American reality shows. She is tough, funny, and fair. She'll abuse you whether you're innocent, retarded or Norwegian. Her intuition is uncanny - Judge Judy knows you're a loser, even before your step into her court. And she's happy to humiliate you in front of ten million viewers.

I absolutely love the show. There's nothing like watching common people being torn to pieces. Judge Judy is court porn at its best; she has turned condescension into an art form. Judy Sheindlin passes judgment on everybody - just like God. The only difference is that she looks better in a black robe.

What I admire most is how Judge Judy rules the court with an iron fist. She's happy to tell people that they're bums, free loaders, and sociopaths with dandruff. And she has every right to because her ratings are high!

A clairvoyant friend told me that during Judy's last incarnation she worked in a concentration camp for the SS - and now she has come back to finish the job. But I don't believe that's true. Judy is a wonderful mother, a stout Republican, and a gracious tipper. Her values are all-American. I bet she believes in God as long as He shuts up when she speaks.

Well, I for one believe in Judge Judy. She's a part of me ... not a part that I like, but a part nevertheless.

But now, you have to excuse me, I have to jet. In a few minutes another re-run of Judge Judy is coming on - the one where two choir boys are suing a priest for spanking them with his Bible.

I bet Judge Judy is going to have a field day with that one!



Anonymous said...

Judy Judy. What a snob. What a stuck-up, over-paid, over-confident, self-rightous, PMS bitch. Say that reminds me.

Public figures have an obligation to think before they open their mouth. Judge Judy seems unaware of that obligation. I'll start with the concept that one sex matures faster than the other. I can destroy that myth with 4 simple words. TEENAGE PREGNANCY. ARMED FORCES. It takes 2 fools to get a teenager pregnant. I'm sure we can all agree that the GIRL has to be 1 of them. We live in a time of crisis. Men and women right out of high school are in harms way as we speak. Agree or not with the war, those men and women are following orders. The vast majority serve with honor. Many have already given their lives for a greater cause. If it weren't for their sacrifice, then Judy Sheinlin never would have had the opportunity to play Judge on a TV show and reap 500 times the pay of a true hero. Still, she has the nerve to judge those heros and the rest of us almost entirely on our sex. How dare that stuck up bitch rate her personal preference over the other? It just doesn't make any sense. Nature created men and women differently. Millions of years ago. Both sexes were given the ability to reproduce around the same age. Both were given specific roles defined by nature. So if 1 sex matures faster than the other, then how did we survive this long? Who did the hunting? Who cared for the children? We were designed for an environment that no longer exists. Judge Judy's theatre was not part of that environment. We survived long enough to create modern society. Screwed up as its become, you can't blame it on 1 sex or the other. Men fight. They also build. Women gossip. They also raise children. Both have their faults. Both are subject to influense that nature never intended for us (Like the ignorant words of a TV judge.). Both face a daily struggle. Their roles have been redefined for a screwed up society. Some adapt very well. Others don't. Thats about it. 1 sex DOES NOT mature any faster than the other. It amazes me that a self-proclaimed genious with a lifetime of experience would say something so incredibly stupid. That comment alone should disqualify her as a judge. The same goes for her claim to tell truth from lie by looking at one's eyes. If she truly had such an amazing gift, then why would she waste it on petty little nickel and dime disputes over broken cell phones and dead fish? Why not use it to interview suspected child abductors? Adults lie all the time. Some much better than others. This is why police interigations often take hours. Not minutes. That bitch is too stuck up to understand or forgive human nature. Especially the quirky aspects. Her wise-ass attitude makes people nervous. Nervous people are less able to present their cases effectively. They are more likely to forget or confuse important details. They are more likely to have shifty, watering eyes. They are more likely to hesitate or stumble as they search for the right words. Especially with the cameras running and the judge ready to humiliate them for any mistake. In fact, that bitch DELIBERATELY confuses people with uncommon terminology (libation) and trick questions (Was there an arrest?). That bitch treats litigants like side-show freeks and then claims to be a human lie detector. Her first priority seems to be to convince everyone in the audiance that she is by far, the most intelligent. She is not. That bitch makes herself out to be infallible. She is not. She misunderstands explicit testimony, misquotes the litigants, and then refuses to accept any clarification. I've seen it several times. Whenever she's proven wrong, she backs her way out of it with double-talk. She blew any credibility out her rank ass with the first courtroom joke. Her OBVIOUS motive to entertain the TV audiance is A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. IT SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN A COURT OF LAW. What a freak show. I refer to the judge. Not the litigants. The stupid jokes are incredibly predictable. The same goes for the references to her watch (As if justice were of any priority.). The same goes for the removal of her glasses for the camera (Something tells me that she doesn't even need them. If the bitch can afford 6 figures worth of face lift, then she can afford to get her eyes fixed.). I don't know how many episodes there have been, but I've seen about 20. There is obviously something shady going on behind the scenes. Free accomodations? Minimum payouts win or loose? I don't know. There must be some incentive for people to let such a wacko hear their case. Otherwise, the defendants would rarely show up. I wouldn't let that PMS bitch decide ownership of my dog's bone. I've been in court plenty. As a juvinile and as an adult. Criminal and civil. I've been ruled for and against. Still, I have enough respect to behave in a courtroom. In each and every case, I was treated with respect. The witnesses were treated with respect. Not necessarily by the attorneys, but ALWAYS by the judge. THATS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. I've never once seen a judge treat a litigant or witness like garbage. Or motion to them as if they were a 4 year old. Or tell a stupid joke at their expense. Or make an insulting reference to their weight, hair, clothing, sex life, or intelligence. Not in a LEGITIMATE court of law. Judge Judy has some smarts. I'll give her that. But that doesn't qualify her to be a judge. Even with her knowledge of the law, she is still unqualified. She just doesn't have the objective, rational, level headed, state of mind to do the job right. Her stuck-up, comic, over-confident, sexist, PMS attitude should be a deal breaker. It has no place in a courtroom. It might have gotten her female votes and TV ratings but thats all. She has ZERO credibility. What a self rightous, hypocrite bitch. "Why would a man accept financial support from a woman?" Thats easy. FOR THE SAME REASON A TV JUDGE WOULD ACCEPT 7 FIGURES TO SETTLE PETTY LITTLE BACKYARD SQUABBLES. THE SAME REASON A TV JUDGE WOULD SELL OUT OUR LEGAL SYSTEM FOR ENTERTAINMENT. GREED. GOD DAMN SPOILED ROTTEN BLACK HEARTED GREED. Without the slightest regard for the wake of destruction. It would not surprise me to hear of a litigant lashing out in a big way after being humiliated for the TV ratings. Judge Judy is just 1 more example of whats wrong with our society.


Hey, hey, Anonymous, "judge not Judge Judy, lest ye be judged!" And, though Anonymous makes a few serious points, I wish he'd show more sensitivity. I mean he's talking about the woman that Peter and I LOVE! Since Peter has a girlfriend (PALE), maybe he wouldn't take it as far as I would, but I have to say that whenever "Her Honor" really gets into a loud judicial hissy fit, I would so love for her to strap on the BIG ONE and have her way with me!!! (whatever the hell her way might be, with my luck, vaginal intercourse, oh man). I don't say I'm exactly proud of this admission, but hey, it's not like I'm gay or anything! NOT THAT ANYTHING WOULD BE WRONG WITH THAT!!

But, all romance aside, I just wanted to compliment Mr. Fogtdal on the marked overall impovement in this blog since after Feb.09, '09 ("IKEA",etc), when poster JOHAN URBAN gave Peter a gentle reminder that the WEB really is WORLD WIDE!. I'm sure Peter meant no harm when he reported that at IKEA, "a Muslim father farted." I for one understand Johan's concern, since in my own experience, many people from the Middle East seem to have little patience with flatuence humor, indeed.
But, starting with the post of Feb. 19, '09, Fogtdal has been finding new and improved ways of showing sensitivity, without being hobbled by the inanities of the dreaded "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS". Peter also has shown a flair for being incisive without being acerbic or incendiary, or turning into another snarky Bill Maher, who's "efforts" Peter panned some time ago in his review of "RELIGULOUS". Also Peter, I for one appreciate your new candor when writing of your native land, as well as your ability to laugh at your own shortcomings in the Feb 19 post from the Bay Area. More and more I'm inclined to take your spiritual quest seriously (March 6, '09), and yes, like Johan Urban back on Feb. 09, I too am "one who wishes you well!" But lately, not just because wishing you well is the civilized thing to do, but rather because you truly make me want to, as you have EARNED my respect. And that Mr. Fogtdal is truly the way to "take a sad song and MAKE IT BETTER!!"