Spanking Denmark, A New Exciting Sport?

1.
They're taking The Little Mermaid away.

How can they do that to us Danes? Our national treasure is being shipped to Expo 2010, so the Chinese can drool over her. What's next? That the Brits send Big Ben or the Americans Britney Spears?

Actually, it's pretty hard being Danish these days. Everybody seems to hate us. We botched COP15, the Climate Conference in Copenhagen, and the Swedes are trying to outdo us with their own cartoon crisis. We're not even allowed to stand out when we're bad.


2.
Talking about being bad, a week ago a new universe opened up for me. It's an online world of people who hate Denmark - a community of bloggers who write about how much they dislike my fine upstanding country. Most of these unhappy souls are immigrants condemned to the darkest abyss of Hell - better known as Copenhagen, Århus, and Odense.

Here are some of the quotes that made me cry the most. They're from a blog called A Guide to Denmark and the Denish Way - that's right, the Denish way.

I've never heard of Denish before, but they sure sound like a nasty people.

A word of warning to the sensitive: If you're sick enough to like Denmark you shouldn't read this. You should go and play with your Lego or drink yourself to death in our second rate Carlsberg. Like the rest of us do.


3.
Quotes from some disappointed immigrants who thought they'd moved to Shangri-La, but discovered it wasn't much different than Sodoma.

"We hate it here. But the thing is, you get sucked in. From the outside Denmark just looked like the dreams we’d have of Scandinavia, but ..."

"The Danes are so orderly and sheep like."

"It is rare to find a parent who chooses to be a homebody. Women who stay at home here tend to be mentally unwell or with some other "excuse’ to not work."

"We worry about their loose attitudes to some issues (nudity and sexual explicit material in public) and their way of being extremely tight about others, like their clampdown on other cultures living here."

"We wanted to enjoy a slower pace of life here ... but we have been steadily disgusted by the material trappings of life in Denmark."

"The Danes drink so much. We used to like a drink before we came here, but we have kind of reached saturation point."

"We worry about our kids growing up in such a weird inbred culture."

"The idiots in power here are a great concern but we have to consider the people who are voting them in."

"The Danes are so hard to love ... and it is hard to feel close to them."


4.
Lovely quotes. They sure made my day.

But I'm still crying my eyes out over being a sheep from an inbred culture of unlovable mentally unstable drunks whose kids are brought up on an unhealthy diet of porn - especially because it's all true.

But now you have to excuse me. I absolutely have to read some of the other blogs like People Who Love Denmark Are Blind and The Danidiots Are Winning.

I'm not one to say no to a good spanking, you know ...

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March in Copenhagen: Less Erotic Than Usual, I'm Afraid

1.
I just enjoyed a $5 Americano. It wasn't a good coffee, but damn, it's great to be back in Copenhagen.

Yes, you get the idea. Denmark is one of the most expensive countries in the world, so if you're a tourist on a budget, may I suggest Cambodia?

As my followers know, I live part-time in the US. Because of this I'm always surprised about the prices when I return home. In my mind Denmark is cheap and gorgeously pornographic which just goes to show how out of touch I am.

2.
The other day I ran into a Japanese couple.

They were walking down one of our walking streets asking for directions to the Museum Erotica.

Being quite erotic myself I walked them to the popular tourist spot that turned out to be closed for the winter, or maybe forever - whatever comes first.

"It's too cold for sex, anyway," I told the disappointed couple.

"Sorry?"

"Too cold for CUN-NI-LIN-GUS," I explained, trying to be helpful as ever.

The Japanese couple stared at me that charming way Japanese tourists do when they don't understand a word you're saying. Then they continued their walk around Copenhagen, looking for The Little Mermaid who happens to be erotic as well, erect nipples and all.

Afterward I got quite sad. I had passed the museum on Købmagergade hundreds of times without visiting. What had I missed? The History of Danish Blow Jobs?

I looked the museum up on the net and read that it was a place for "open minded people" with exhibitions of French postcards, risqué magazines, films, and even sex toys! All of it "in great taste".

The last line almost made me puke. Who in the Hell wants to go to an erotic museum that's "in great taste"? Apparently no one, because a few seconds later I learned that the museum had gone bankrupt - in dire need of Viagra, I guess.

So now visitors to Copenhagen have to do with Tivoli and those toy vikings you can buy in the souvenir shops downtown.


3.
Yes, March in Copenhagen can be quite un-erotic, to be honest. There's an obscene amount of construction everywhere, but the sun has been out for days, so there's definitely hope. And when spring arrives, Danes start to do something foreign: we smile.

So hey, world, come and visit us soon. We might be short of sex toys, but I'm sure you're going to enjoy our $11 soy lattes.


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In Portland Everybody Is a Writer (Including the Squirrel On My Porch)

1.
A week ago I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Reading Local, a West Coast website that highlights local writers. Since I'm just a visitor with a visa, I'm happy to be considered part of the Portland scene - especially since everybody is a writer in the Rose City.

I'm actually deeply suspicious of Portlanders who don't write. I figure there has to be something wrong with them, a mental sickness perhaps because Portland is an artsy and trendy town - it's one of those place where you don't just work at McDonalds, you're also a Haiku poet.

So Portland, Oregon is bursting with talent, readings, writer workshops, literary journals, and naked poetry slams. You could call it a Heaven for wordsmiths

Here's an excerpt of the interview with me by Teresa Bergen.

By the way, please take words like "handsome" and "talented" with a grain of salt. I'm neither.


2.
READING LOCAL: PORTLAND AUTHOR PROFILE PETER FOGTDAL by Teresa Bergen

The handsome Danish author Peter H. Fogtdal took a break Friday to let me snoop around his apartment and ask nosy questions. He deserves a break, and a better one than I provided, after the fifteen months since his novel The Tsar’s Dwarf came out from Portland’s own Hawthorne Books.

In that time he has done forty events in ten states to promote his book, taught at PSU, and accomplished the amazing international feat of simultaneously writing one novel in Danish and a different novel in English. I caught him in the midst of editing the Danish novel, which he had just finished writing two days earlier.

Amidst his décor of beautifully misty Portland paintings and a collection of delicate old teacups, we talked about his life of travel and writing.

While Fogtdal has a long and distinguished writing career with twelve books to his credit, The Tsar’s Dwarf is the first to be translated into English. It tells the story of Sørine, a dwarf whom the king of Denmark gave to the Russian tsar in 1716. She is foul-mouthed, foul-tempered, and much smarter than anybody else in the book.

When I asked a question about traditions in what I stupidly termed “dwarf literature,” Fogtdal nipped that line of questioning in the bud.

“I don’t know anything about dwarf literature,” he said, “because I’m not interested in dwarves at all.” It turned out that Sorine was an accidental dwarf. Fogtdal was writing a book about Peter the Great and the Danish king Frederik IV, and their fractious 1716 meeting in Copenhagen ...

“I got so bored writing that,” Fogtdal said. He put the first fifty or sixty pages away for a year. “When I came back to it, it suddenly dawned on me that I’d read several times that Peter the Great kept dwarves like other people collect stamps. So I figured oh my God, the protagonist has to be a dwarf.”

After that, the novel became easy to write. Fogtdal was able to tap into his inner dwarf, the part of him that is angry at the world.

Many historical novels are dense and ponderous, but The Tsar’s Dwarf is a sparsely written page turner. “It’s my fourth historical novel, and you learn one thing,” Fogtdal said, “that all the info you find interesting is not interesting for the reader. And sometimes you wish that other historical novelists would realize that.” In his last drafts of novels, Fogtdal trims ten to thirty pages of extraneous details.

Fogtdal said it would be no fun to translate his own novels. “And my English wouldn’t be good enough. That’s the weird thing. My English, I think, is sufficient to write a novel in English, at least if I use a first-person persona that’s close to me. But it’s not good enough to translate my own novel.”




His first novel written in English is set in India and tells the story of a man who blames his guru for his life not turning out better. Fogtdal has been to India eight times and knows a thing or two about gurus. He has lots of material for his book and is very excited about it.

Fogtdal has long lived a nomadic lifestyle. He is a writer-in-residence in Portland, and doesn’t know where he will go next. Perhaps Hong Kong.



One of his best travel experiences was in 2005, which was the bicentennial of the birth of famous Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen. Danish embassies all over the world commemorated Andersen in different ways. The Vietnamese embassy invited Fogtdal to talk to youngsters about Andersen.

“And then we made the very logical assumption why should I do that, why not play him?” Fogtdal said. He traveled to six Vietnamese cities, performing as Andersen, along with a Vietnamese actress who read two of Andersen’s fairy tales, an emcee/translator and a tech man.




“It’s definitely one of the best experiences I’ve had in my whole life,” Fogtdal said. “And I mean, we were treated like rock stars.” The shows were a smashing success, except with the uber-sophisticated kids in Saigon. “Those were the kind of kids that listened for ten minutes and then they were on their cell phones,” Fogtdal recalled. “They were too Western. That was a struggle.”

Portland has been good to Fogtdal. A dedicated bicyclist, he appreciates the emphasis on biking here, although he said there are four times as many bicyclists in Copenhagen. The bike paths in his home country are also better. “Here you call it a bike path when you paint a yellow color on the street where the cars are driving as well.”

Bikes are especially important to Fogtdal because he has made it into his fifties without ever having a driver’s license. “I don’t drive,” he said. “And I never even tried.”

Since he was an adolescent, Fogtdal said he knew there were two things he should never do. “And that was have a gun in my hand and drive a car. And none of the two I’ve ever done. And I never will. It’s never going to happen. Never.”


If you haven't had enough, read the full interview here

... And The Oscar Goes To (Someone Who Didn't Deserve It?)

The Oscars are ridiculous.

But hey, that's why we love them. And I'm not talking about the red carpet. I don't really care whether Meryl Streep will be wearing a dead raccoon from Stella McCartney.

No, I'm talking about the awards themselves - 90% of which end up in the hands of film makers from the English speaking world.

Yes, I know there's a category for Best Foreign Films, but that's for some absurd reason considered an inferior category, because once in a great while a foreign film will actually be "upgraded" into Best Films.

That happened to Amelie, La Vita e Bella, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, reminding the great popcorn eating public that there are films produced in other languages than English. And hey, sometimes they even find an American distributor, so they're eligible to be ignored during award season.

Still the Oscars are great! I love the show, the glamor, and the senseless competition between huge egos who always thank their mothers, agents, and nail technicians.

So ladies and gentlemen, here's my own list of nominees. And in the spirit of the Oscars, my nominees are only from English speaking films.


BEST FILM:

The Informant!
Up in the Air
Away We Go
(500) Days of Summer
The Hurt Locker
An Education
A Single Man
Inglorious Basterds
Precious
The Private Lives of Pippa Lee

WINNER:
Up in the Air


BEST DIRECTOR:
Lone Scherfig, An Education
Jason Reitman, Up in the Air
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Tom Ford, A Single Man
Steven Soderbergh, The Informant!

WINNER: Jason Reitman, Up in the Air


BEST ACTRESS:
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
Robin Wright Penn, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee
Carrey Mulligan, An Education
Maya Rudolph, Away We Go

Winner: Robin Wright Penn, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee

BEST ACTOR:
Michael Stuhlberg, A Serious Man
Matt Damon, The Informant!
Colin Firth, A Single Man
Jeff Bridges, A Crazy Heart
George Clooney, Up in the Air

Winner: Colin Firth, A Single Man


BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Melanie Laurent, Inglorious Basterds
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Away We Go
Mo'Nique, Precious
Julianne Moore, A Single Man
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air

Winner: Mo'Nique, Precious


BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Michael Fassbender, Fish Tank
Peter Sarsgaard, An Education
Fred Melamed, A Serious Man
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones

WINNER:
Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds


BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
The Hurt Locker – Mark Boal
Inglourious Basterds – Quentin Tarantino
(500) Days of Summer - Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber
The Invention of Lying - Ricky Gervais, Matthew Robinson
A Serious Man - Ethan and Joel Coen

WINNER:
(500) Days of Summer - Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber


and some more off beat categories ...

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR:
Brüno

BIGGEST SURPRISE THAT EASILY COULD HAVE BEEN CHEESY:
(500) Days of Summer

MOST OVERRATED FILM OF THE YEAR:
Julie and Julia

MOST UNEVEN MANUSCRIPT IN A FILM WITH MOMENTS OF SHEER BRILLIANCE:
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

MOST WONDERFUL ART DIRECTION IN A FILM THAT MADE YOU WISH YOU WERE ON DRUGS:
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

BEST SCRIPT IN A MOVIE THAT WAS POORLY DIRECTED: The Invention of Lying

BEST ACTING IN A FILM THAT WAS SOMEWHAT BORING:
The Last Station

BEST WRITTEN FEMALE CHARACTER IN A MOVIE THAT SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED TWO OR THREE OSCAR NOMINATIONS BUT WAS TOTALLY IGNORED BECAUSE THE WORLD OFTEN IS UNFAIR:
Pippa Lee, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - Rebecca Miller

That's it.

So now go and enjoy some great foreign movies as well like The Maid (Chile), Terribly Happy (Denmark), The White Ribbon (Germany/Austria), and The Prophet (France).

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