Washington is Broken. Why Don't I Fix It?

A lot of people might not know this about me, but I'm a maverick. I have the experience of John McCain and the sex appeal of Sarah Palin (or is it the other way around?)

I'm a war veteran as well. I've been tortured several times by Fox News, and I impregnated Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, so she could hit the lecture circuit with her talks on teenage abstinence.

So I actually know more about American politics than you'd think. Washington is broken, but I can fix it.

Here is how I would change the corrupt culture in Washington:




1.All politicians can only be elected for ONE period of six years. If congressmen, presidents, and lawmakers know they can't return to their seats, they just might do something wild and crazy, like following through on their promises! Or stand on principle - a word most lawmakers should look up in Wikipedia.

To tell you the truth, America doesn't need more mouthwash manufacturers who'll sell their grand kids to the Devil to get re-elected. Everybody has had enough of political correct dimwits with as much personality as game show hosts. And hey, who in their right mind would want a multi millionaire to run the country like it was some kind of bland corporation? If you want to see how money can screw you up, look at Mitt Romney.


2. All politicians will be thrown out of office if they talk about "values" after their third face lift. I mean, whatever happened to inner beauty? Is that an unknown concept in Washington? (Please don't answer that).

And hey, don't even get me started on faith based lawmakers who think that Jesus was a Baptist, Methodist, Presbytharian, Puritan, Lutheran, Catholic. Let's face it, God doesn't belong in politics. He belongs in the heart of His believers. Or in the bondage rooms where born again Republicans get spanked on regular basis.

So let's stop hypocrites from being elected. Poor Jesus never meant to end up on a license plate or a beer mug. And He certainly shouldn't be used as a spokesman against Islam, illegal immigration, or the right to carry a handgun at Taco Bell.


3. All politicians should be allowed at least two extra-marital affairs without being chastised by the press and the opposing party. America is tired of the horndogs in Washington whether they're Democrats or Republicans. America wants politicians who are discreet about their blow jobs and won't tell Oprah about them.

But Americans are also forgiving. Since no one with integrity is faithful to their spouses anyway, politicians should be allowed two strikes before they're out of the ball game. And remember, the people who are most concerned with sexual morals are the ones who hide their dildo collection under the stairs in the basement.


4. All politicians should have permission to say, "We have to raise your taxes" and not get beheaded by pompous pundits and desperate housewives. Everybody with half a brain knows that whoever gets elected in the fall will have to raise taxes. Even Ronald Reagan - the Republican saint who died for your sins - had to raise some taxes in that sneaky way of his. And remember, the Republicans still get an erection when they hear his name.


5. All politicians who say "I want to make a difference" should be thrown out of office, so they truly can make a difference. This goes for other cliches as well, especially, "the American people want ...", "let me be clear about this," and "I did not have sex with that douchebag". Yes, I'm talking about you, Democrats.

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So elect me to office, won't you?

I'm not just running in America. I'm running all over the world, most of all in cyberspace.

And don't worry, you won't be able to dig out any dirt from my past. As you can tell from the picture below.



Photos: John Dailey

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Forget about Vampires and Zombies. Here Comes the Human Condition

1.
No one wants to read a book without vampires.

Vampires are trendy. They remind us of the Tea Party that will take over the world at the next election. Or maybe the Tea Party won't take over the world, just the US, which to the Americans is the world.


2.
A few months back a delightful Danish young adult novel saw the light in the US called Nothing by Janne Teller. And as far as I can tell, there isn't a single vampire in this book. To tell you the truth, I couldn't even find a zombie.

I don't know what went wrong. Doesn't Janne Teller want to make money? Why would she want to write a fine, scary, and dark novel about something as meaningless as the human condition? Who can relate to that?


3.
Well, actually quite a few can. Nothing was a sleeper hit in Denmark. It sold about 100.000 copies to schools etc. and won the finest YA prize in the land. Then it went on a rampage in a lot of other countries like France and Sweden. Our kind neighbors even called it “a youth novel in Nobel prize class."

By the way, if you've never heard of the Nobel prize, it's a rather large Swedish award that tends to get a lot of PR.

In the US, the reviewers have been generous, too. Someone actually called it the Lord of the Flies of the 21st century - another sorry book without a single vampire, by the way ...


4.
This is the storyline:

A group of Danish seventh-graders have their world turned upside down when Pierre Anthon announces that nothing in life matters and nothing is worth doing.

He then climbs up in a plum tree and creates an existential crisis among his class mates with his daily sermons on how pointless life is. Most of his friends don't agree, so they decide to collect a pile of their favorite things to prove to Pierre Anthon that a lot of stuff in this world has meaning.

Agnes gives up her favorite shoes; Dennis, his best books, Sofia her virginity. But as each sacrifice grows in importance, the class mates want even bigger sacrifices from their next friends in line ...


5.
If you want you can look at Nothing as sad and nihilistic, but you could also choose to see it as a darkly spiritual book with rays of humor and light.

That, of course, depends on you. Luckily, Nothing is a YA book that a lot of school teachers find truly disturbing. Judging from what takes place in Texas right now, they're probably not going to teach Janne Teller in Corpus Christi - a huge compliment if I ever heard of one.


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Nothing is translated by Marten Aitken and has received starred reviews in Booklist, Publisher's Weekly, and Kirkus. It's published by Antheneum in the US and costs $16.99 (240 pages), ISBN 9781416985792.

Other Danish novels that have been published in the US within the last year and a half: Doghead by Morten Ramsland, Machine by Peter Adolphsen, and my own The Tsar's Dwarf.


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How to Find God Without Getting an Erection

1.
I'm a firm believer in God, no matter what clothes He is wearing.

You could say I'm a Francis of Assisi-Jelaluddin Rumi-Yogananda-Dalai Lama kind of guy.

I enjoy Atheism, too. I don't know if you've heard about it. It's an interesting religion that's quite popular in the West. The Atheist God seems to be a mathematician whose shoulder is covered with the brightest dandruff.


2.
The only thing I'm not a fan of is Blind Faith.

But then again who is, unless you're one of those people who think you found the Truth. The Truth is an old man who shakes his stick at kids who are having more fun than he is.

Unfortunately, the Truth is everywhere. It's a bit like herpes; you just can't get rid of it.


3.
A few days ago the Truth arrived on the campus where I teach.

The Truth was obese and wore a pair of faded jeans. He raised His Bible to the sky and shouted at women without bras. He declared that God loved us all while he spat in our general direction. The Truth was very entertaining, even though He didn't want to be.

His favorite word was sin. I looked it up afterward and found that the word actually means "off the mark".

That turned out to be a good description of the obese preacher.


4.
I also see the Truth on TV quite often.

The Truth always starts by saying, "this is how it is." And when somebody starts a sentence like that, you know that endless wisdom will follow.

Sometimes the Truth is a Republican, other times He is a Democrat. He always seems to have white teeth, and a spin doctor with an Armani fetish. And He loves God, because you can't get elected in the US unless you go on Larry King and say, Larry, I'm blessed.


5.
So ladies and gentlemen, since I get tempted by the Devil all the time, I've just invented a new prayer.

Every morning when I wake up I pray to God that I won't find the Truth. Because if I did, I'd become the most unbearable writer in the world.

I would throw away my novels and write self help books for cash. I'd become the new Pat Robinson with a twist of Deepak Chopra & Dr. Phil. And Oprah would adore me because I'm from the happiest nation on earth.

To tell you the truth, I've started my new career already, but at least I'm humble about it.

My new book is called How to Find God Without Getting an Erection. My agent says that the Vatican isn't sure their nuns will like it, but they're still interested in publishing it.

They should. They invented the Truth in the first place ...

Warning: A Degenerate Blog about Something Un-American: The Naked Body

1.
Most people are born naked.

This might come as a shock to a lot of Americans, since they're raised in a country that is as prudish as Saudi Arabia. In America, the naked body is a no-no on TV. In prime time, it's okay to show sidewalks splattered with blood, but you can't show half a nipple unless you want to be sued by Mr. and Mrs. Blue Balls.

I'm a big fan of America, but sometimes I feel like shouting, what went wrong in your childhood, Yanks?

And hey, please don't get me started on Janet Jackson's nipple and the stir it caused at the Super Bowl. It's ancient history, so for now let's just point out that you actually didn't see anything. Still, half the country became traumatized for life. Grandmothers went into menopause, toddlers needed years of cranial therapy.

Yes, this was definitely the biggest "scandal" in the country since Monica Lewinski used Bill Clinton's semen as mouthwash.


2.
So why is the naked body considered so evil in the US?

Is it the country's puritan past that's to blame? Or is it all this ridiculous talk of "family values"? Don't families in America have naked bodies? And why are kids allowed to see shows like Bones but not a dressed up nipple? Guns and criminals kill families; most boobs I've met don't.


3.
But of course, I'm a silly foreigner from a degenerate country. That's probably why I don't get it.

In my gorgeously promiscuous Denmark, you're allowed to breast feed in public. Actually, you see babies munching on boobs all the time, on trains, in restaurants, on park benches. Almost all of us find this to be totally normal and not a sexual thing.

Actually, at no point in my life have I seen a Danish pervert go up to a beautiful mother, remove the baby from her arms and go, "now it's my turn." Most of us understand that the naked body isn't only meant for porn, but actually is capable of performing acts that aren't obscene.

So here is a suggestion: Let's get more nudity on prime time TV in the US and less violence.

But then again, I'm a sick man. I prefer pubic hair from serial killers.


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Top photo: Marco Hofsté