Life is too short for Danish sex comedies.
That's what I discovered the other night.
But why would I write a heartless thing like that? Don't I support the rich heritage of my proud country? After all, Denmark was the first nation on earth to liberalize porn. That happened in the late sixties and made Copenhagen the unofficial capital for horny business men and nuns looking for a gang bang.
With that in mind I got excited when my girlfriend told me that Comcast was showing a Danish sex comedy from 1971 for free.
"Let's see it," I shouted.
"It's called Dagmar's Hot Pants," she told me - a promising title that brought back my early teenage years of premature ejaculations.
God, what a disappointment the film was.
First of all it was in English, but the actors came from Denmark, Sweden, and the US, so everybody was talking with different accents.
For any one who is interested, Dagmar's Hot Pants does have a plot. Kind of.
Dagmar is a happy hooker in Copenhagen on her last day of work - she is closing up shop because she has finally saved enough money to put her boyfriend through medical school. On this working day she introduces a teenage boy to sex while his father is watching through the keyhole. Dagmar also does the dirty with Robert Strauss and a lot of other oddballs. Most of the men are great to look at - if you like men over eighty.
But unfortunately Dagmar's Hot Pants is a sex comedy without much sex or comedy. And it only shows American style nudity, breasts. At least, that was the case on Comcast, but I bet that those prudish bastards have edited this masterpiece.
Well, back to the movie.
Apart from Diana Kjær, the Swedish lead, the actors have a hard time saying their lines. If only they'd had something exciting in their mouths I would've understood, but this film is as boring to watch as curling.
The only thing that turned me on was the shots of Copenhagen from 1971. "Yeah, I remember those cute trams from my childhood," I screamed to my girlfriend during one scene. "My parents had a phone like that in their bedroom," I yelled during another.
My girlfriend was disappointed with the movie as well.
"I don't think I ever want to have sex again," she said.
Luckily, most sites online call the movie for Swedish.
I'm totally okay with that.