Sunday, June 21, 2009
Why Isn't Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark a True Degenerate?
This is a picture of the place where Danish Crown Prince Frederik lives.
We're very proud of him, even though he only works 81 days a year. He also has an adorable wife. Her name is Crown Princess Mary of Tasmania - an Australian island that's not exactly known as a breeding ground for Danish royalty.
I like Frederik, and I think it's unfair that he has taken so much flack. The Danes are upset that he makes 17 million kroner a year which, disgustingly, is the same as our best soccer players. We're also upset that he is "lazy" and that he flaunts his blue blood at a time when red is the only way to go.
You see, in Denmark we're all about equality, so if we have a Crown Prince who thinks he's more important than us, we want to set him straight. "Why do you need a private secretary when Mrs. Hansen doesn't?" we scream. "Don't you monarchs know how to type?"
As a country, we have a lot of problems. However, the most important isn't the economy or our growing racism, but what to do with the Royal family. Should we execute them in the name of democracy and elect an obese president? Or should we take pride in the fact that we're the oldest Kingdom in the world?
Since I always live in the past (you have to when you're Danish), I'm definitely a royalist. I want Denmark to keep Queen Margrethe and her Dachshund. And I want Frederik to become our most important King since Oluf Hunger.
That's why I think the discussion about modernizing the Royal Family is absurd. I mean, the Crown Prince is on Facebook, for Christ's sake, shouldn't that be modern enough for any one?
So the solution must be the opposite of modernization: We should bring back the good old days when Denmark mattered. First of all, Norway should be returned to us immediately (except for their national football team which sucks) - plus other old Danish countries like Sweden, Iceland, England, the Baltic States, and let's not forget the Virgin Islands.
I think Crown Prince Frederik will be happy when he reads this. I bet he's tired of representing Denmark in Uganda and Lithuania. It must be an awful job smiling to business leaders and pretending you want to hear about laxatives. You also have to sit through boring meetings with mayors and other Riff-Raff. No, let's face it, we don't need a Prince in Armani. We need an Absolute Monarch - a hard drinking degenerate who can kick some ass and lay down the law like the Vikings used to.
I mean, what's wrong with rape, pillage, and conquer? It has worked for us as a country before and it will work for us again.
So your Royal Highness Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark-Norway, Greenland, and Those Funny Caribbean Islands That America Stole ... as far as I'm concerned, you can be as lazy as you want as long as you give us back our national pride. Marrying a Tasmanian and getting two adorable kids just doesn't do the trick.
King Canute, the Danish king who conquered England. We want our English province back. Now!